WHAT?!?!?
Are you kidding me?
In the present holiday adaptation of multi-tasking, I sat myself in the comfortable chair in front of the TV, heating pad at back, unaddressed Christmas cards on lap, address book in front of me on tray table, tea beside that (just aching to spill itself on said address book) and the remote remotely close by to distract me from mundane tasks.
I like to find out what’s on the tube before I make a commitment, so I scrolled through the list of shows, saw little that interested me, and moved on down the line – literally and figuratively – to that grouping that strangely calls itself reality shows. Now look, I’ve laughed and shaken my head at the ones that depict women who all of a sudden find out they’re in labor and didn’t know they were pregnant. Right. I’ve watched the Cake shows that draw me in to the greatest problem facing our modern world: can a cake be made to look like a car without falling apart?!? Scary thought, right? But I never, ever thought there could be something as ridiculous as “Bridalplasty.”
Huh?
Yup. There’s a TV show that is in the form of a contest involving a dozen or so of the most repulsive human beings imaginable who are competing for even one – just gimme one – plastic surgery of their dreams before their big day as the Top Bride. We’re not talking about correcting a major disfigurement that might interfere with their functioning. No. This is about nose jobs, boob jobs, tummy tucks (for the ones who dive into every taste test through the show with complete abandon)…you name it. And our “hostess” for the show refers with frequency to their plastic surgery “wish list.” Because – you know – just one is never enough…
I am not kidding.
The competition heats up because the way it works is that show after show, a woman gets dropped from the contest, usually because of some major inherent flaw such as not choosing the correct wine in a wine-off. Or choosing the wrong dress for their figure type. Or – not getting into the right clique with the other competitors. That’s right. It is possibly the most cut-throat phenomenon I have witnessed since a girl in my 7th grade class beat up another for stealing her boyfriend. Threw her right down on the pavement in front of a bunch of us shocked “normal” kids. And 7th grade this is. Grown women parading as 20-something brides-to-be are about as nasty as they can get in their effort to be a perfect bride and vote out their competitors. Oh. So that’s what marriage is about. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the occasional longed-for cosmetic correction. But I just think it’s strange to go on a TV show and YES – show off your boob job to your competitors and a national audience – in the precious weeks before the wedding, when there might possibly be a few other things to do. Such as enjoying the special time with your soon-to-be-mate. There might even be some who view this as a loving time to spend with a sister, mother, mother-in-law to be, to have lunch with a bridesmaid or a cousin. To reflect on the meaning of commitment. Yeah. That’s a ludicrous thought when there are so many, many ways to mess up other people’s chances to beat them out for the plastic surgery you want.
I’d like to think that maybe they’re just actors playing a part. And if so, the Oscar goes to Janessa or Janella or whoever the little blonde is who, in the words of another contestant, has formed an “alliance” which ultimately backfires on her. These are women who are about to marry? To commit to a life with another human being, likely have children to raise? Is there a good woman alive who really cares about an extra inch on her chest parts when she’s covered with baby puke? Or when her child is burning up with fever and she’s waiting for a call back from the pediatrician? Or when her husband needs medication from the pharmacy, they’re both tired, and it’s 10:00 at night?
The votes aren’t all in yet, but I’m guessing Janessa’s conspiracy plan won’t work and she will be leaving the show before she can get the next plastic surgery on her wish list. She’s already had the nose job. But there’s always more…more…more…
I’m not sure what these girls are offered in their wish list choices.
But I figure Janessa’s going to have to skip the choice of getting a real heart.
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